Spectrophilia

I am a married woman whose favorite pastime is browsing dating websites.  But I don’t mean reputable websites with normal people, I mean places like the Craig’s List personals.  If you’ve never done it, give it a shot.  It is a great way to waste an evening and a bunch of brain cells at the same time.  However, I still maintain that it is better than watching the Kardashians and wondering when Bruce Jenner is going to officially install his vagina. 

Anyway, I was bored one evening and surfing these websites when I came across the term “spectrophilia.”  For those of you who have never heard the term (and I’m really hoping that most of you haven’t) it is a sexual attraction to ghosts.  Fantastic.  My night of boredom suddenly got interesting.  This is something I needed to know more about.  So off I went searching around on the web for more information on spectrophilia.  I had no idea that this was such a common fetish and how many people claim to have had an encounter.  Now I’m jealous.  I’ve never been seduced by a ghost before.  But, then again, I don’t exactly look like Demi Moore.   

          Then I found it.  My new favorite website.  This is saying a lot since my previous favorite was a site where you could literally rent midgets for different occasions.  But this new website was an actual “how to” on summoning a succubus (that’s what us pros call it instead of a spirit).   This website is the key to phenomenal sex.  Literally.  Who needs the Kama Sutra?  So I’m reading through all of the information and I get down to the bottom of the page where it asks if you would like to sign up for 7 free lessons on how to physically attract a ghost.  Well, yes.  Yes I would.  So I put in my email address and anxiously waited for lesson #1 and the waterfall of spam that would inevitably come with it.  It came almost immediately.  I’m hoping my future ghostly lover doesn’t come as quickly as that email did.   

          I click on my email and wait for it to load.  I have so many questions.   Is this considered cheating?  Can I choose a male spirit or do I have to be willing to experiment?  Do ghosts believe in foreplay?  Will he spoon me afterwards or just vanish into thin air?  Unfortunately none of those answers were addressed in this first email.  Instead I got a questionnaire that was entitled, “Are you succubus material?”  Well now I’m worried.  I didn’t realize that being rejected by the spirit world was even an option.  I click on the link for the survey.  The questions on the form peak my interest even further.  It asks questions like, “What type of relationship are you looking for?”  My options are sexual, friendship, or a long term relationship.  Hmmmmmm…  Do I want a long-term commitment?  I glance at my husband and ask if he would have a problem with this type of relationship.  He rolls his eyes and asks me if I have virus protection on my computer.  He’s not a believer.  Then I’m asked what qualities are important to me.  Some of the choices are: romantic, dominant, funny, and friendly.  I’m going with friendly.  Nobody wants a rude spiritual lover.  The last question asks how any hours a week I can dedicate to summoning a succubus.  Umm…as many as it takes!  I put in my answers and hit enter.  I was told I could expect my next lesson in two days.

          Again, I anxiously waited for lesson #2.  Lesson #2 is called “Channeling.”  Now we are getting somewhere.  I anxiously read through the information looking for something cool like drawing chalk outlines in my room or lighting candles and sacrificing chickens.  Imagine my disappointment when he basically described channeling as emptying your mind.  This has never been an issue for me.  In fact, if my mind was any emptier, I’d be Paris Hilton.  Surely I would have had a ghostly encounter by now if that is all there was to it.  Another two day wait begins…      

          Lesson #3 focuses on the types of succubus.  I learned a lot from this one.  Apparently, there are three.  They include the Romantic which, to quote the master, “feels like a thousand angels caressing your body at once,” the Prankster who likes to arouse you in public places and tease you, and the Sex Addict who is apparently intense, has gold eyes, and tends to be interested in one night stands.  Him!  I want him!  What girl doesn’t like a little gold with her one night stands?  My decision is made, I’m ready for my first summoning ritual.  Bring on the sacrificial chickens!!

          Lesson #4 arrives three days later.  First we go over the supplies needed which consist of a vacant room, incense, flowers, candles, and a blanket.  No chickens.  Darn.  He gives me a 10 step process to initiate my first encounter.  I’ll give you the condensed version.  Enter room and burn incense clearing the energy in the room.  Lie on your back with your legs 45 degrees apart.  Close your eyes and breathe and picture your ghostly lover the way you would like him to be without giving in to the temptation to touch yourself.  Really.  He actually says this.  How can I possibly commit to that with my legs spread 45 degrees apart and incense burning all around me?  Talk about temptation!  But by some miracle I manage to control myself.  Then I am supposed to look for any sort of tingling sensation or voices in my head that might be a signal that I have made contact.  Unfortunately, I have just the usual voices in my head, nobody new tonight.  Finally, I am to lay there for 10 minutes concentrating on my breathing.  I am asleep in 3….

          Lesson #5, the auditory mental connection.  In this lesson, we focus on listening to our thoughts and differentiating our own from those of our succubus trying to contact us.  Apparently humans think for only 2-3 seconds at a time.  I believe this.  I have been to Wal-Mart.  Any dialog that lasts longer than that might be contact from another being.  I’ll let you know if that ever happens to me.  So far, 3 seconds is my max.  Other signs of contact include voices telling you to do things.  Awesome.  The next time I’m in legal trouble, I’ll tell them my ghostly lover made me do it.  One way ticket to an insanity plea.  I wonder if my succubus gave me that idea?  Thank you, Casper.  That might come in handy.  

          Two days later, lesson #6 arrives.  I’m disappointed to find that this is simply a question and answer email.  But I read through it briefly because there are bound to be some entertaining questions in here as well.  I’m not disappointed.  First, he starts pushing his book that he wants to sell you.  One fellow summoner asks why his methods are so different than others.  There are others????  His answer is that you should buy his book instead of theirs because their methods are outdated and ineffective.  Shocker.  Then there was my favorite question, “While awakening from a sleep state, I saw a furry scary creature with many eyes sitting above me.  Is this a succubus?”  Answer, “Nope, you have just met the old hag.  She is not dangerous, but can give you a scare.”  I actually have personally met this being.  It was when I was in college and the old hag came in to my room and spoke to me before I had my morning cup of coffee.  However, I called this creature, “Mom.” 

          Finally, I receive lesson #7.  This was supposedly about following your emotions and letting go of negative energy.  This was not really a lesson so much as a message from his spiritual lover about the importance of meditation, keeping a positive attraction with your succubus, and, most importantly, buying her lover’s book.   

So, after two weeks of lessons, I never did achieve a connection but I did learn a lot.  What I’ve learned is that I have way too much time on my hands, I’m very easily entertained, and that people will pay for just about anything if they think it will get them laid.  I feel like I should get a cut of the action too since I am now well versed in the techniques of spiritual love.  Can I interest you in my new spiritual dating website?  I will call it, “Finding your boo…”