Lucy-Fer

Recently, I went through a bit of a rough patch.  My health was not fantastic, I never seemed to feel quite right, and my anxiety levels were trending upward at an alarming rate.  My career that had once looked so promising and rewarding was in a downward spiral and I was miserable and hated getting up every morning for work.  I worked from home and I don’t think that helped the situation.  Winter had settled in and it was gray and cold outside and I frequently didn’t leave my house for days.  I felt like a failure.  I decided it was time for a career change so I started applying to different jobs in an effort to improve my sense of self worth.  Unfortunately, I was finding that I was overqualified for some jobs and underqualified for others.  I could not seem to find that happy medium.  So I waited as the responses didn’t come and the interviews I did have didn’t pan out.  Waiting sucks. 

So, it is not only for this reason but at least part of the reason that we decided to get a puppy.  We currently have a 10 year old yellow lab and thought he’d like a companion, especially if I was going to start working outside of the house.  So we found an English Cream Golden Retriever puppy, 8 weeks old, and decided to bring her home.  She is beautiful and affectionate and, for the most part, very, very sweet.  We named her “Lucy.” 

I am a huge animal lover and anyone who knows me knows that my other dog, Killian, is the love of my life.  He is actually prioritized over my husband the vast majority of the time.  We got him when he was 8 weeks old and we bonded immediately.  I trained him myself and we have spent almost every single day together since he was a baby.  I thought for sure I would have the same immediate and special bond with Lucy.  Unfortunately, I didn’t.

We brought her home and my first concern was for Killian.  I did not want him to feel replaced so I overcompensated with how much time I spent with him and maybe even left Lucy out just a little bit.  When we got Killian, I wasn’t working so I had all day and all night to devote to him and his needs.  Now, I’m working full time, my husband is out of town a lot, and I am not only having to watch Lucy to prevent her from destroying my house but also to prevent her from hurting Killian.  She doesn’t yet understand that he is old and jumping on him hurts.  She is a typical puppy with a ton of energy and extremely exhausting.  At first, I felt like I had a toddler running around my house.  But, then, as I watched her more closely, I became convinced that she was a demon puppy sent to punish me for my many sins.  At night, in an effort to use up all of her energy before going into her crate to sleep, she runs around in circles in a performance that resembles something straight out of The Exorcist.  She jumps on the chairs, scratches me with her demon claws, and gnaws at me with vicious little puppy teeth.  She even used those deadly fangs to chew a perfect circle in our carpet which I logically assumed would be used in rituals to offer up her human sacrifices. 

It didn’t help that my husband did bond with her immediately.  The evil temptress became his precious little princess and everything I tried to do to discourage her bad behavior, he negated because he was incapable of telling her no.  I cussed at them both when I would step in dog crap outside or walk in to my bedroom to find her eating my freshly laundered socks and underwear.  Her accidents or decisions to roll around in mud always seemed to be right after I got out of the shower or at times of utmost inconvenience.  Then, when I yelled at her, she smirked at me and looked up at my husband with those big brown eyes and he melted and let her do whatever she wanted.  I squinted my eyes and glared at her.  I know what you’re playing at, sister.  I used those same eyes to get myself a diamond ring.  Where Killian was dumb and sweet, Lucy was smart and manipulative.  But there’s only room for one manipulative bitch in this house and I’m not relinquishing my throne. 

About a week ago, as I shot up from my desk to clean up the furry devil’s third accident for the day while corralling her to a different room so she didn’t walk through it and track little pee prints throughout the house, I was suddenly very aware of why people say having a child will not fix marriage issues.  I was irritated and crabby from chasing her around, cleaning up her messes, and getting up early with her when she cried.  I couldn’t figure out why this was so irritating to me when I did it all so willingly with Killian.  I’ve always been a very patient person.  Why couldn’t I find some patience for this feisty little dog who, deep down, I knew just wanted my time and affection?  Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t neglect her or anything.  I played with her, snuggled with her, bathed her, and trained her just like I was supposed to do.  I even trained her to go to the corner when she was naughty.  But I didn’t feel a deep attachment to her through any of it like I did with Killian.  

Then I realized that I was unfairly resenting her.  I missed getting up in the mornings and sitting with Killian while I ate my breakfast and drank my coffee.  He would let me sleep as long as I wanted without bugging me.  He is already potty trained and obedience trained.  He spends his days laying by my side or staring out the window.  He’s not adventurous, no longer explores anything that might be dangerous, and doesn’t chew up my Ugg slippers.  I don’t have to take him out in the snow to go potty.  He knows my moods.  When I’m sad, he comforts me.  When I’m angry, he stays out of my way.  When I’m happy, he’s happy.  Lucy, on the other hand, needs constant supervision and attention. 

It finally set in that for the last year of my life, it has been all about me.  My career downfall.  My frustration.  My disappointment.  Lucy needed me to make things about her and until I finally realized this, I wasn’t ready to do that.  I was content wallowing in self pity and worrying about my own needs.  I looked down at her and felt so ashamed of my selfishness and I felt like the worst doggy mom on the planet. 

I got out of my chair, sat down on the floor and pulled my beautiful puppy onto my lap.  It was at that point that I sold the little she-devil my soul.  I showered her with the love, affection, and slew of apologies that she deserved.  She looked up at me with those big sweet brown eyes full of instant forgiveness and unconditional love.  She covered my face in puppy kisses and nuzzled up to my chest.  It was then that I realized that I Love Lucy…finally.