We all have that one friend that leads us to the dark side. Or if you're me, you have several of these friends. Either that or I AM that friend. I haven’t figured that out yet. Anyway, I learned the hard way that a combination of crazy friends, whiskey, curiosity, and a computer are a powerful yet dangerous combination.
Not long ago I had a normal conversation with a girlfriend about laser hair removal. This is not an atypical subject for girls to talk about. However, in my circle, conversations never seem to stay innocent for long. In typical fashion, this conversation’s natural progression led to a much more disturbing one about bleaching one’s rear exit. No need to go back, you read that correctly. My ears perked up. "Sooooo, this is actually a thing?" My friend: "Yes, all of the porn stars do it." Well, then I'm sold. Bunghole bleaching is the next big thing. I must learn more. But where to start....
I brought this news home to “that” friend or as I refer to her-my evil other half and we started to brainstorm. Who actually performs this service? What does it cost? Will they throw in a free air freshener? I don't remember seeing this information in the flyer at my local salon. By this time, we were slightly inebriated and the creative juices were starting to flow.
It is worth noting that my friend and I have made a hobby out of frequenting the Craig’s List personal ads. If you haven’t done it, give it a shot. There is some seriously hilarious stuff on there. It is like watching a dating show that takes place in a Wal-Mart. Anyway, you've probably already guessed where this is headed and you are correct. Ultimately in an “aha moment,” we decided Craig’s List would be the authority on anal bleaching. So as any other happily married women would do on a girls’ night, we created a fake email account, found a picture of some hot girl that we had never met, and came up with a clever personal ad to "turn our brown eye blonde."
The responses were almost instantaneous. We received all kinds of generous offers to help us out in our time of need (interestingly, all frommen). What kind and giving souls Craig’s List attracts! We also received pictures. And I don't mean one or two. Lots and lots of pictures. Our fake inbox was flooded with enough close-up pictures of the male genitalia that we were able to closely study it, correct a few anatomy books, diagnose a few diseases, and stash the rest for safekeeping. We were content in the knowledge that we would never have to pay for porn ever again. While this was highly entertaining, I’m not 100% sure that any of these guys were legitimate authorities on the latest beauty trend. No matter, I think I'd still prefer to spend my money on vajazzling anyway.
Overall, I think the experience treated us well and we learned a lot about the alternate universe that exists on Craig’s List. In fact, we had so much fun that we decided to take out a second ad. We wanted a more sophisticated crowd this time around. We chose to expand our horizons to a larger city and decided to attract culture and maturity (yep, still on Craig’s List). Music seemed to be the obvious solution to our quest for a theme. So, once again, out came the whiskey, down went our inhibitions, and another ad full of musical innuendos was born. We felt we had graduated from the standard dirty pictures and requested that any responses play an instrument, sing us a song, or at least show some sort of creativity.
They didn’t disappoint. We got all kinds of creative responses this time around. Many were actually willing to send us a clever response AND a questionable picture. So generous!! One guy actually sent us three videos of him playing the saxophone while naked. Even my husband, who usually shows his support of our adventurous spirit by eye rolling, scolding, and general disgust, got a couple of chuckles this time around. It was all fun and games until “the incident.”
I sat down with my morning cup of coffee the morning after the ad was placed and turned on my laptop to read some more responses. I immediately spit my coffee onto said laptop upon opening that first response. The emailcame from someone who I’m 99% sure has women chained up in his basement somewhere. He went into graphic detail as to what he wanted to do to us and then, to our ultimate horror, included pictures. He then proceeded to ask what we would charge for these services. Yup, he thought we were prostitutes who might be willing to indulge his darkest fantasies. I marched to the bathroom to throw up, immediately followed by phoning my partner in crime who was equally traumatized. Our husbands had a good laugh while asking us, “What the heck did you expect?!” and down came our ad, fake email account, and hopes for peaceful sleep any time in the near future. This other Craig’s “A-Lister” is probably some random bored guy just like us, sitting at his computer laughing hysterically at the reaction he knows he caused. And kudos to you, buddy. Traumatizing the two of us at the same time is quite the feat as we are not faint-hearted. It appears that we have met our match.
So, we haven’t given up on perusing the personals for those periodic golden posts that we have come to love and cherish. But our posting days have been temporarily put on hold until we are finished paying for therapy. However, we will be back eventually, Craig, with updated antivirus, spam protection, a bottle of whiskey, and the poor decision-making skillsthat we are so famous for.
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